Jolien (body-focused therapist) explains here how vaginal complaints affect your connection with yourself. In this article, she shares exactly how this works, and what can help.
Maybe this sounds familiar. You've been dealing with recurring complaints for a while now, unusual discharge, pain or discomfort, recurring infections. The longer these complaints continue, the less love you feel for your vagina. It's as if you've unconsciously created some distance from this part of yourself. You'd rather not touch her anymore, or you find the idea of someone else getting close to her completely unappealing.
Vulvar or vaginal issues are something most of us will experience at some point in our lives. Whether it’s dryness, itchiness, infections or pain during sex. When these issues continue for longer, the impact is bigger than just the physical ailment itself.
What I see in my practice is how these issues can cause women to feel ashamed of their body and their genitals, to feel dirty or less attractive. It affects how much you can enjoy your body or feel like having sex.
When a part of your body causes discomfort or pain for a long time, we often tend to move away from it. Actually, this is a mechanism that helps us survive. Here's how it works.
At first, pain and discomfort let us know something's going on, so we can adjust our behaviour or choices and solve the problem. If we can't change the situation, another mechanism kicks in. The body adapts to this new situation, as best as it can.
We start living around the discomfort, and because of that we can dissociate from parts of ourselves. It's as if your pelvis or your vagina no longer fully belongs to you, you feel a separation. It becomes harder to feel connected to your vagina or to feel pleasure. You might also notice that you've come to sort of hate that part of your body, because why does it just never seem to work properly.
This is very understandable, but also unfortunate, because being less present in your body can directly affect the health of your pelvic area. When our awareness of a particular area of the body decreases, its functionality can decrease as well.
Blood flow can decrease, which means the tissue may receive fewer nutrients and waste products may be cleared less efficiently. The area can become more sensitive and more prone to pain and discomfort, or sometimes respond with numbness instead. When we feel less, we also become less able to listen to what our body needs in that area. Tension can build up, making it increasingly difficult to release. And so, you can end up in a vicious cycle.
It's very possible that in the meantime you (unconsciously) have started a war with your own body. You may have started to believe that something is wrong with you. That your vagina is letting you down. Or even that something about you is broken and needs fixing. You've lost the connection. We can often notice this in the language we use to talk about our own body. "That" vagina "down there" with "that" complaint. As if it's not about your own vagina, your own body, you’re talking about.
How do you break this cycle
It starts with restoring the connection with your body, step by step. By meeting your body again with softness and compassion, exactly where it is right now.
Wherever you notice the tendency to move away from yourself, see if you can move toward it instead. A bit like making contact with a deer in a meadow. You don't just charge at it. You start small and build up as trust grows. There's no rush.
You've probably spent a long time looking at your vagina mainly as a place that is broken and needs to be fixed. What if you try to set that aside for a moment. And see if you can make contact with your body from softness and love instead.
What does that look like
Making contact can happen in many ways, and it's important to find a form that you are comfortable with and brings you joy. That will be different for everyone. Before exploring this for yourself, it can help to start with the exercise described below. This exercise helps you come into safe connection with your pelvic area. After that, a curious encounter often becomes easier.
Step 1) Place your hand on your lower belly, pubic bone or vulva (wherever you feel like starting to restore contact)
Step 2) Notice how your hand feels on your body. Maybe you feel the pressure, the temperature, or other sensations in or underneath your hand.
Step 3) See if you can direct your breath toward your hand. As if, on the inhale, you make space under your hand, and on the exhale, you sink deeper and deeper toward your hand and your pelvis.
Step 4) Imagine trying to reverse the touch. Instead of your hand touching your body, imagine that it's your body touching your hand. As if you're reaching outward from your pelvis. You can use your breathing to imagine this movement. Maybe you notice something very subtly shifting in the sensation. As if something becomes just a little softer.
And then…
Repeat this exercise regularly, until you notice it's becoming easier and easier to make contact with your pelvis and vagina, to be present there with your attention from the inside out. From this foundation, you can go on to explore what your body needs further.
If after reading this you think: yes, I recognize myself in this story, but those exercises… phew. That really feels like a really big step. Don't worry. That's not strange to feel at all. When a lot has happened in your body, it can feel hard restore contact with softness and love.
What matters is that you take small steps, that you don't force yourself to do something "because it's good for you." Often that's actually part of the problem. Is there one very small step you could take right now in your life, one that prioritises gentle connection with your vagina first? Something that feels like you can do with ease.
Maybe you need support in this process. Know that there are specialized professionals who can help you along the way, through (online) programs, education, (yoni or pelvic) massage or yoni mapping, and more. Don't carry this alone. You're really not alone in this.
